Feb 15? That was my last post?

Wow, way to suck, Amanda!

Today I got my copy of the The Female Body Breakthrough by Rachel Cosgrove...I haven't read it and am slightly skeptical but perhaps this is a step I need to get back in the groove.

I've been eating better and exercising more but haven't seen any change in my weight. FUCK YOU, FAT! Anywho, I feel a little better about it all.

That's all I want to say at the moment. I wish this post was even slightly entertaining but really, I just want to hold myself accountable for things so I'm using my blog as a resource for that.

All I Want Is A Happy Fucking Medium

I feel like my whole life is always one extreme or the next.

At work I'm either insanely busy or have absolutely dick all to do. Why can't I just have a regular work day of constant work but not so much that I feel like I'm losing my mind the entire time?

As far as my weight/eating/exercising goes, I'm either a lazy slob that doesn't eat anything that I should or I'm obsessive about every bite that I put in my mouth. I just want it to be easy to choose healthier foods and I want to want to go out for a run. But it's like as soon as I slip up, just the tiniest bit, everything I've done thus far goes down the fucking shitter.

I also can never be happy with what I have as far as my love life goes. When I date, I'm never satisfied with the person I'm with. When I'm alone, I just want to be with someone. When I am with someone I want to be alone. So I thought a FWB situation would be kind of like a happy medium. But no. Some days it makes me want more of a relationship (not necessarily from him, just in general) and some days it makes me want to be alone.

I'm in a sort of angry depression right now. It's strange because I'm not generally an angry person. I've had depressions where I just want to sleep because I'm so unbelievably sad and crying all the time. This time, I'm not sad. I'm fucking angry as hell. I have never been so agitated in my whole life and it's constant. I feel bad for the people I have to be around because I'm snappy and bitchy and I just want to say "FUCK YOU! TRY BEING ME FOR A DAY!"

A Random Thought ...And Only One

I HEART MYTHBUSTERS!




That is all.

So it's time

The amount of weight I have gained back is insane. I need to get a handle on it. It's hard because my counselor and I discussed, a while back, my need to be less obsessive when it came to my eating. At one point I had been counting calories all the time. It became unhealthy so I did as my counselor suggested and I put away the scale and stopped counting calories. After I stopped weighing myself and counting calories, I tried to just eat healthy and when I was hungry. I felt like I was hungry all the time. So I ate all the time. I was eating healthy foods so I didn't worry too much. Then my pants started to get a little tight and I freaked and totally lost my shit. I kind of just gave up and stopped caring. So my healthy eating stopped and I started eating for convenience...to me that was fast foods. Like McDonald's...not exactly healthy.

So now I'm sitting at about 135lbs. And have about 15lbs to lose to get back to where I want to be. To a lot of people, 15lbs doesn't even seem like that much. I, however, carry all of my weight in my gut. I have relatively slim arms, legs, and a not too shabby ass. But my tummy is awful. I know I'm supposed to just accept and love myself for what it is but I can't say that I do. I mean, I don't look at myself in disgust or anything but I don't like what I see anymore.

So it's really time to get my ass back into shape. I have to start eating better and caring about the kinds of foods that I choose. I know how to do it, I've done it before. I'm just so scared about getting obsessive again.

Merry Fucking Christmas

I wish people would not look at me as though I looked like this:



I'm not a goddamn Grinch. I just think Christmas music, decorations, and the general "Christmas Spirit" is stupid. I mean I don't judge people that love Christmas and start celebrating it in November. Don't judge me for not getting excited about Christmas until Christmas eve. I love the family time, the food, the excuse to drink, the presents and all that...during Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day. That is all. Those 3 days, and those 3 days only.

I don't decorate a tree. I don't hang lights on my condo balcony, I don't hang a wreath or put Christmas cards on my mantel. I just don't. Maybe I will when I have kids but as a single lady it just seems like a lot of effort that no one will see.

I will never, ever listen to Christmas music. It makes me want to ram serrated knives in my ears. It actually makes me angry. How many people get angry with the sound of Christmas music? I have no idea, but I am one of them and I seem to be the minority.

"Isn't the Christmas tree beautiful?" A coworker asks me today. "Uh, I guess so." I replied. "What do you mean you guess so?" she said. "Well, I think it's kind of ridiculous to cut down a tree and decorate it with lights, glass bulbs, and an angel at the top specifically so people have something to put presents under. It just sort of seems like a waste." She stared at me, wide-eyed, so I decided to rephrase it. "I mean it's cool with me if other people like it, and I totally get it, but it's not my thing." More wide-eyed staring. "I uhhh...it's fine...I mean, if I was into Christmas trees, this one would be on the top of my list but...yah." "Why are you such a Grinch?" she said as she walked away.

So why am I such a Grinch? I don't know. But I'm not ashamed of my grinchisms.

A Major Lack of Shenanigans

Sometimes I can't help but think "what the fuck is wrong with me?" A girl in her early 20's shouldn't be spending her weekend at home. But that's what I did a couple weekends ago (and many many weekends before that.) I lazed around. I went to bed early Friday night, woke up early-ish Saturday morning. Took my nephews to my work Kid's Christmas Party, had dinner with my brother and his family, came home and played on the computer until 11, then watched a movie by myself and went to bed. Seriously, what kind of fucking life is that for a girl my age?

But the other extreme doesn't interest me so much. Going out to bars and clubs, drinking my ass off doesn't seem like so much fun. When I do go out and party, it's always in the city close to mine, but I can't make it out there every weekend. I should probably make an effort to go there more often. I always have a blast. I always meet new people. And I always, ALWAYS get into some sort of drunken shenanigans, that usually ends up with me injured slightly.

(here's my battered legs from this summer. Sprained ankle, bruises, and scrapes. Always injuring myself while drunk. *sigh*)

This last weekend was supposed to be exciting and filled with booze and friends. My original plan was to go out to a pub with one of my good friends. But due to an embarrassing drunken moment she had earlier in the week, she's now on a No Booze Cruise. So instead we went to see Paranormal Activity. I should add, at this point, that I love scary movies. I'm also terrified of them. I mean a cheesy thriller like Halloween or something, I can handle. But when it comes to any sort of unseen entity, I lose. my. shit. I watched the movie and was fine. I got home and got insanely freaked out. Every single noise made me go crazy. You know that hot sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something seriously rattles you? I got that feeling every few minutes. I'm not even joking.

Anyways, I ended up staying up all night on Friday, watching stupidly funny movies on tv (to distract myself from the idea that there just might be a demon following me around like in P.A.). My plan for Saturday was my work Christmas party. I was going to get drunk. I had planned on getting drunk. I mean, I might get into shenanigans that result in me injuring myself when I'm drunk, but I figure that's alright at a work Christmas party. It's better than the female manager that mooned someone a few years before. Or the guy that ended up throwing a punch at one of the managers last year (knocking him to the ground and when his wife went to help him up the guy that threw the punch accidentally booted her in the face. He was arrested and fired. Obviously.) So me trying to slide down a banister and falling and hurting myself will be nothing compared to other years.

But that didn't happen. Not at all. The work Christmas party wasn't fun at all. The food was good. The drinks were expensive. I bailed at 9 and drove out to the city to visit my friend, Big Amanda (she's 6' tall...when we are together we are referred to as Big Amanda and Little Amanda). Big Amanda is always up to crazy shenanigans so I figured I was in luck. When I got to her apartment, I couldn't help but notice the fact that she was in pajamas. "So what's the plan?" I asked her. "Figured we stay in, drink some beers, smoke some weed. Not into going out tonight." I mean, I wasn't necessarily disappointed. All of those things seemed like a rad plan but that just adds one more night of lazy to my weekend. And on top of that, I got way too high and went all paranoid and weird.

Sunday, I went to Big Amanda's parents house to have tea and watch the finale of Amazing Race. I'm. So. Lame.

This upcoming weekend, I have a Christmas party to go to at a friend's house. I have a feeling it's going to be pretty mellow. They're my "mellow" friends. We'll probably have a few drinks and that'll be it.

I need to spice up my friggin' life a little!

A Monday Night Listening to Tunes

I'm laying on my couch in my recently purchased condo and realizing that while my life seems to be on track, there are so many things missing. My friends, I'm sure, are sick of me boohooing and whining my ass off to them so why not whine to someone else.

Do I suspect this blog to be will be post after post of insufferable whining? No. But there will be whining. Probably a lot of whining. I'm hoping to fill this blog with other, more interesting and entertaining posts though.

So, here's where I'm at in my life at the moment...all the things to whine about and all the things to do a little happy dance over.

-I just bought a condo. I'm in my early 20's and I just bought a condo. Am I bragging about the fact that I bought a condo at this age? Fuck, yes I am.
-I work full time. I recently had to go through the experience of almost losing my job. Because of this shitty economy and the job industry I'm in, my department at work closed down. I spent two weeks having no fucking clue what I was going to do. I couldn't go out and get a job right away because I was told that the company "might" be able to find placement for me in another department. Also, I'd lose my severance. This happened shortly after I signed the papers for my condo. I was, I think understandably, an emotional wreck. Then I got the good news that they had found placement for me in another department and so my work days of dicking around on forums and playing sudoku are over, because now I'm actually busy at work.
-I go to school part-time. I'm trying to get my degree in social services.
-I'm single and have been for two years. TWO FUCKING YEARS! It's not like I haven't dated (one short lived, relatively serious relationship even...but short lived) or even simply gotten laid since then. There's definitely been a few casual sexual encounters (only a one of which I actually regret) and as of recently a very regular and fabulous FWB thing. But sex aside, I do miss affection and intimacy that comes with a relationship. Since I haven't had much luck in my shitty little town finding worthy men, I've opted to go the Plenty of Fish route. So far, it's been disappointing. Creepy guy. Pervy guy. Clingy guy. Guy I like, but is not emotionally available. So I've given up on that for a while too. So single it is, I guess.
-I'm somewhat overweight. I went from 170+ pounds to a small 116 pounds (I'm only 5' tall) in a year and a half. Now...I'm back up to 135 lbs. So time again to stop eating shitty food and get off my fat ass.
-I was diagnosed with panic disorder and depression a while back. I could hardly get out of bed in the morning I was so mentally fucked up. But now I take one little pill every morning and I actually feel pretty damn good (most of the time.)

Ok so that's about it, as far as what's going on with me. My blog, will be mostly about my every day life. Hopefully it's at least somewhat entertaining to people.